I’ve spared no expense in writing this, so tread lightly. I’ve listed some of the gym annoyances I encounter on a daily basis. You guys might have run into a few of these situations, so feel free to share your experiences.

1. The Talker: This dude will introduce himself if you look approachable. He’ll tell you how his day went at work, how life’s not fair and how his girlfriends a great screw. Seconds later, he’ll ask what muscle group you’re exercising, then he’ll ironically say “I don’t waste time in the gym.” This all happens 60 minutes after introduction.
2. The Super Talker: I was debating between “The Super Talker” and “One-Annoying-BASTARD”. This one time I had my headphones on, blasting really loud techno music. I tend to look down when walking around the gym to avoid any time-consuming conversations. I was ready to pump out really heavy T-bar rows, or what I like to call “an-inch-away-from-paralysis” rows. This exercise requires Zen-like focus and concentration, followed by a few iterations of the Holy Quran to ensure Allah’s on my side. Anyways, as I was pumping 6 really-heavy-I’m-about-to-crap-my-pants reps, the Super Talker approaches me and asks a question- IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DAMN T-BAR EXERCISE. You know what pissed me off? The annoying bastard was waiting for an answer.
3. The Super Talker, Part 2: In a male-only testosterone-packed gym, how the hell does a subject about someone’s daughter getting her first period creep in? Oh yeah guys, this is for real. The same Super Talker who talked to me in the middle of an exercise that could have easily caused paralysis talked about his daughter’s experience with her first period.
4. The Farter: Better in than out I say, but not around the dumbbell area. I have nothing against farting- it’s a natural thing, especially with athletes and weight-lifters who consume a lot of food to fuel their workouts. Nevertheless, you should always fart responsibly. For starters, never fart in an area where sweaty men are inches apart. The smell of testosterone-induced body odor and sweat is torture enough- adding in smelly protein farts would add nuclear insult to injury. Instead of concentrating that stuff right up in my face, take a walk around the gym and spread the wealth. Sharing small farts around the gym’s a lot better than sharing it in a small congested area.
5. The Advisor: These guys attack once you’ve finished performing an exercise that WORKS FOR YOU. They’ll tell you how you’re doing it wrong. For shits and giggles, they’ll even add a really fast and detailed assessment of EVERYTHING you’re missing and should be doing. Wow- we’ve just met and you think you know my body more than me? Ironically enough, after eating 45 minutes from your workout time like cancer eats on cells, the Advisor adds that workouts should not last more than 60 minutes.
6. The Gawker: After performing his first set of his first exercise, he’ll place his elbows on his knees and stare at everyone in the gym for the remainder of the workout. Gawkers choose their preys carefully. They won’t approach, only stare. They gawk because they wish they looked like you, exercised like you or maybe even screw you. Whatever goes through a Gawker’s head is beyond any of us.
7. The Guy Who Just Doesn’t Get It: In the middle of an INSANELY INTENSE back workout, where I was OBVIOUSLY looking more serious than a US President giving the orders to drop a nuclear bomb on some 3rd world country, this stringy-ass dude comes up to me and asks for a workout plan. Right then and there, he wanted to know which muscle to work, the specific exercises, and accompanied sets and reps. After wiping the pile of sweat I had on my face, I told him to stick a barbell up his butt hole and call that a workout.
8. The Feeler: Looking improved? Exercising a new muscle angle? Looking good while performing a workout? The Feeler will come up to you and make sure you’re working out what he thinks you’re working- by touching you very awkwardly. He’ll also touch you because of all the improvements you’ve made to your physique. Yesterday, I was performing a hamstring workout, specifically the glute (butt) to hamstring (rear upper thigh) area tie in. All of a sudden, this dude places his hand on THAT AREA. I was startled and rudely asked him what in God’s name he was doing. Please refrain from touching someones muscles. It’s gay regardless of ANYTHING. This includes the usual “I want to feel how hard your biceps are”.
9. The Kisser: Kissing in the gym should not be allowed under any circumstances. I don’t care who it is, KISSING IN THE GYM IS NOT ALLOWED. I’m talking about Arab cheek kissing. Apart from the body odor and sweat, placing your hand on my cheek for a “sweat-protected” kiss IS NOT A SOLUTION. If anything, a weight-lifter’s hands are dirtier than a toilet since it comes in contact with every other lifter’s germs. Sweat’s not cool either. In LA, it is ILLEGAL to share Yoga matts. Skin disease is serious, and it’s no laughing matter.
10. The Perspirator: I sweat a lot when I workout, but I make sure to wipe my face and whatever equipment I’m using before, during and after. I’ve seen a few guys that sweat twice as much as me, and that’s not the problem. Sweating, especially when working out is a very normal thing. Nevertheless, and in reference to #9 above, sweat should not touch me or any other person under any circumstances. I’m looking at you Mr. I’m-running-on-the-treadmill-and-sweating-within-a-100-mile-radius.
11. The Comfort Zone Destroyer: I strongly believe in PROXIMITY- i.e. keep a good distance if you’re talking to me. Any closer than arm width is ANNIHILATING my comfort zone. Now imagine working out on a machine that requires a specific amount of space in order to perform it correctly. Now imagine a douche bag rudely entering that area screwing up your exercise rhythm. Now imagine that douche bag running into you WHILE performing a dangerous exercise without apologizing.

Three versions. Choose wisely. The picture above is from the recipe directly below:

“I Want A Fat Butt” Version

Ingredients

• 1-cup of Peanut Butter
• 1-cup of fine Sugar
• 1 Egg
• 8 Kinder Fingers

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 180 Degrees Celsius.
2. Combine all ingredients.
3. Bake for 7-8 minutes.
4. Get ready for the juiciest cookie you have ever tasted in your entire life. Oh, and also get ready for an insane sugar rush, followed by a coma and MAJOR appetite suppression. Ideal for cheat days.

“I Want To Look Hot Naked” Version

Ingredients

• 1-cup of All-Natural Peanut Butter (ingredients should contain only Roasted Peanuts & Salt)
• 1-cup Stevia in the Raw OR Splenda
• 1 Egg
• 1/2-cup Unsweetened Cocoa Powder (Hershey’s or Cadbury)

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 180 Degrees Celsius.
2. Combine all ingredients.
3. Bake for 7-8 minutes.
4. Very juicy but not as goowy because of the Kinder’s exclusion.

“Trying To Be Fahad” Version

Ingredients

• 1-cup of All-Natural Peanut Butter (ingredients should contain only Roasted Peanuts & Salt)
• 1-cup of Vanilla or Chocolate flavored Whey Protein
• 1 Egg

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 180 Degrees Celsius.
2. Combine all ingredients.
3. Bake for 7-8 minutes.
4. Juicy, but not as sweet as both versions. Delicious nonetheless.

Benefits of All Versions

1. Gluten-free (All versions)
2. Wheat-free (All versions)
3. Grain-free (All versions)
4. Dairy-free (First 2 versions)
5. High Protein (All versions)
6. Packed with healthy monounsaturated fats (All versions)
7. Low-carb (Last 2 versions)
8. Ketogenic Dieting Friendly (Last 2 versions)
9. High Protein (Last 2 versions)
10. High Fiber (All versions)
11. Antioxidant Packed (healthy version)
12. Virtually Sugar-free (Last version)

My ESSENTIAL items that never go missing:

1. Omega-3 DHA Eggs & Egg Whites (Egg Whites are normal Eggs)
2. Red / Brown Lentils (Fresh) – Chickpeas (Fresh) – Butter Beans (Epicure Organic & Unsalted- Canned) – Black Beans (Epicure Organic & Unsalted- Canned)
3. Whey Protein Isolate Powder (VPX SRO)
4. Casein Protein Powder (Optimum Nutrition’s 100% Casein)
5. Stonewall Kitchen Chunky Peanut Butter (from The Sultan Center- always sold out so buy a truck load the moment you see them)
6. John West Wild Pink & Red Canned Salmon (Red is twice as expensive, but has a bolder Salmon taste)
7. Canned Tuna in water (any brand)
8. Clipper Organic White Tea (Vanilla flavored)
9. Decaffeinated Black Tea (from Lulu Hypermarket)
10. Stevia (Herbal sweetener)
11. Diet Rite (Aspartame, Carb & Sodium-free Soda)
12. Raw Almonds & Walnuts
13. Unsweetened Cocoa Powder (Hershey’s or Cadbury)
14. Powdered Cinnamon
15. Red Chili Flakes
16. Sumaq
17. Dijon Mustard (no added sugar)
18. Yellow Mustard (no added sugar)
19. Nori Sheets (Roasted Seaweed)
20. White & Apple Cider Vinegar
21. LoSalt (66% Potassium, 33% Sodium) & NoSalt (100% Potassium)
22. Libby’s Canned Pumpkin
23. Total Fage 0% Greek Yogurt (from Lulu Hypermarket)

Fruits and Vegetables are not included on that list because they’re readily available thanks to my family, but here’s a list of what usually goes into my stomach:

1. Fruits (Red Apple, Pear, All Berries)
2. Vegetables (Romaine Lettuce, Parsley, Onions, Garlic, Mushrooms, Tomato)

If you analyze the list carefully, you won’t see any “direct” carb sources, such as grains. This is because I function better without them. Sometimes I would eat a few servings of the items below:

1. Oat Bran
2. Wheat Germ
3. 100% Whole Rye Bread
4. Quinoa

I craved Pizza so badly last week, so I decided to try out a few Italian authentic Pizzas this weekend.

Here are two short reviews, including my very own special “Honey Test“.

The Honey Test

I’m the only person who knows what this is, so let me briefly explain: before consuming a slice of Pizza, I lightly drizzle honey on it.

Weird, but that’s how my taste buds roll.

Carluccio’s

Bresaola Pizza
Tomato sauce, Italian Mozarella, thinly sliced Bresaola, shaved Parmesan and rocket leaves.

Impressions: Surprisingly light, absolutely no visible grease and salty- very salty.

The Honey Test: The Pizza alone was OK. Adding the honey made it EXTRAVAGANT. I ate 2 slices without honey then proceeded to drizzle the rest. The Pizza’s savory taste was way too intense.

Rating: 6/10
With Honey: 9/10

Solo Pizza Napulitana

Frodo Pizza
San Marzano Tomato, fresh Mozzarella, smoked Salame, Origano, Peperoncino and Chili Extra Virgin Olive Oil. A friend tipped me off and told me to tell them to “Kumar” it- i.e extra spicy.

Impressions: I literally felt every ingredient with very bite! This is the best Pizza I have EVER tasted in my life! Full of flavor, texture and color! It didn’t need the Honey Test, but I had to try a few slices anyway.

It wasn’t as salty as Carluccio’s, although it packs 2 high sodium ingredients (Salami and Pepperoni). What I mostly liked about it was the tomato sauce and how it complimented everything else.

The Honey Test: INCREDIBLE! Ate half of the Pizza with Honey and the other half without.

Rating: 10/10
With Honey: 10/10

SoloPN’s Nutella Dario

If you’ve been to Solo then you definitely tried this. I didn’t take any pictures of it because I was too busy stuffing it all in my mouth (picture above’s from SoloPN’s Twitter account). You might think the star ingredient of the dessert is the Nutella, but it’s not.

The reason this item’s a success is because of the dough. I don’t know how they do it, but from the inside it’s crusty and doughy at the same time. You can feel a slight crunch with every bite. That crunch is molded in the Nutella.

Rating: 10/10
With Honey: No Honey needed. I only add Honey to savory dishes.